*SIGH*

It took me ten days to be able to write this post. TEN. DAYS.  The assignment is to eliminate the negative people in my life.  I’m not entirely sure why this assignment gave me pause; I’ve been eliminating folks from my life for quite a few months: ever since @OriginalNajeema shared her method of purging facebook friends according to their birthdays.  The idea is to unfriend anybody you haven’t talked to since the last time you posted “happy birthday” on their wall.  I’ve been hovering near 500 facebook friends on my personal account for a number of years and the idea of going through that list was way too overwhelming, so I figured this would be a great way to keep my friends list relevant with minimum effort.  I admit, I used to feel badly about not doing a better job at keeping in touch with folks, but then I remembered they also weren’t trying to keep in touch with me!  Still, I knew that completing this assignment meant going a step beyond that.  I think I subconsciously knew what that step was, but I really just couldn’t handle bringing it forward.  So my 31 Day Reset took a hiatus.  These things happen in life.  On with the show!  (Yes, it’s story time; grab a cup o’ tea.)

For the better part of the last decade (perhaps even longer), I have had a recurring dream about taking care of someone else’s child.  There’s always some variation in the dream: the age of the child, how I manage to encounter the child, whether or not I am already connected to him or her, etc.  I’ve talked to many folks about it & get the same story: it’s about your passion to care for young people who don’t have all the help they need.  Sure, that’s great, but I’ve always known in my heart that the dream had a literal meaning.  And until recently, this has always scared me.  I have no business taking care of anybody else’s child; I can barely cover my own ass!  Well, guess what?

I won’t get into details, as that is not the point of this post.  I will say that I recently met a homeless young man who has just stolen my big ole gushy heart.  My friends have been doing their best to see about him as best they could, but no one had the ability to take them into their homes.  Enter my two bedroom apartment.  It’s not the greatest apartment and certainly not located in the greatest neighborhood, but it’s WAY better than sleeping out in 17 degree weather under a paper banner.  I kept trying to rationalize away my desire to take in this young man (you know the drill about safety & whatnot), but I just have not been able to rest until I brought him inside from the cold.  I’m happy I made the decision & I’d do it again.  (I won’t lie; it probably will happen again in my lifetime.  Shout out to @SFReynolds for helping me understand how I was made for this stuff.)

What the hell does this have to do with purging negative people from my life?  Well I’m glad you asked!  Today I asked my friend (read: ex-boyfriend) if I could bring my new roommate over for the UFC fight party happening this weekend.  Unfortunately, this caused a big ruckus and I apparently broke a major ex-girlfriend rule.  I could see how this would be confusing, but even after clarifying who my roommate is, I am still the bad guy and now a chunk of Twitter is under the impression that am the type of woman who enjoys flaunting her new man around in front of her old one.

O_o

(Note to self: no more dating anyone I meet via social media.)

I gotta say, I firmly believe this is more about my ex & his “stuff” than anything I have done.  We have had several arguments for which I have felt this “stuff” has been the driving factor, mainly as it pertains to my self-care and healing methods.  Long story longer, we disagreed on whether or not it was okay for me to process my experiences the way I do.  I don’t mean to hurt anyone else’s feelings, but my ultimate responsibility is to myself & making sure I’m okay.  It took me YEARS to figure out my system and I have no intention of abandoning it.  If this means I have to remain single for the rest of my life, then fine; I already made peace with that possibility a year ago.  I most certainly can’t be a good wife to someone if I’m constantly biting his head off because I’m forced to deal with my issues his way.  Yes, it’s important to share burdens with your significant other, but you have to be in a space to do so in a way that is safe for both parties.  The post-breakup month has allowed me to realize I didn’t necessarily have that.  And this is why we can’t be friends, even though I really wanted to.  I wish him the best with all the love in my heart.

I thought about not writing blogging all of this but I couldn’t sleep.  Then I remembered this is my blog. Dammit.  Also this story right here.  So yes, once again I’m sad.  I have to grieve the relationship all over again.  But such is life.  The upside is that I have a hilarious roommate who is polite, considerate, & a great cook.  His other “auntie” & I are having a great time seeing about his well-being & things are already looking up for him!  I’ll be sending him off on his way soon, but it’s great to be able to help someone out in this way.   ::warm fuzzies::

Let the 31 Day Reset resume!